3/13/24
I was in a prayer meeting back in Kentucky, where a man prayed – loudly – about how his mother had hurt him. He began by laying out his grievances (and this was in front of the entire congregation, including his mother) and finished off with “O Lord, change her heart or take her home!”
Can you relate? I’ve been writing about forgiveness because I believe it is something most people struggle with. I also believe it’s the major attribute that separates believers from unbelievers.
Look at the Middle East; look at our national politics; visit any daycare. Forgiveness is not our first response.
Probably my favorite chapter in the New Testament is Colossians 3, where we’re told to “let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts . . . and be thankful . . . let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. . . sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God.” All of that is wonderful, isn’t it? But along with those same verses, Paul writes, “Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
*Sigh*
But it really does make sense. On the cross, Jesus gave us the example when he prayed, “Father, forgive them.” In Romans, Paul writes that God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. In the same way that God loved us enough to send Jesus to die for us, bringing us forgiveness, so we’re commanded to forgive those who wrong us – and not just those who ask for forgiveness (the people around the cross on that first Good Friday were NOT clamoring for Jesus’ forgiveness!).
By the way, forgiveness and trust are not the same thing, and that’s often the reason I sometimes find myself slow to forgive. If I burn my hand on the burner of a hot stove, forgiving the hot stove won’t make it safe to touch it again! Just because we forgive someone doesn’t mean we’re called to trust them and allow them to keep hurting us. Forgiveness isn’t sweeping things under the rug and forgetting (or pretending) they didn’t happen. Forgiveness starts with an honest look at a situation and the parties involved.
So how do we forgive? There is no quick and easy fix. I’m going to give you some practical suggestions I’ve learned over the years, but know that these can take time, and there are situations that call for the help of a professional counselor to help us work through it. But for many situations . . .
First, be intentional about it. Forgiveness is easier said than done, but it can be done. And it begins when we realize that our feelings about what someone has done to us are a) unchristian and b) possibly more harmful to ourselves than the actual wrong. Unforgiveness eats at us, holding us captive . . . while the other person often goes on their merry way either unaware or uncaring that they’ve wounded us. Unforgiveness is first about us and about, well, loving God and loving others.
Second, be honest about it. Remember how the psalmists were honest with God about their hurt, anger and outrage! We have to be honest about it as well, and being honest can be rough . . . but so is cancer surgery. I don’t journal all the time, but when I’m wrestling with something like forgiveness, I’ve found that getting my feelings down on paper really helps. Sometimes, journaling has forced me to look at my response to someone’s actions and say, “Well, Terry, that was silly.” Other times, writing down my inward feelings has made me confront some unpleasant things about myself (I know you find that hard to believe, but it’s true!). But it always makes me feel better.
Third, remember God’s forgiveness. God’s forgiveness really hits home when I realize how much I do not deserve God’s forgiveness, and if God is willing to forgive ME, then I should be willing to forgive someone who has sinned against me – even if they’re not around for me to forgive. And remember forgiveness is so important for us that Jesus made it part of the prayer he taught his disciples: “and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
Fourth, let go of the hurt. Some people treat hurt like a pet, taking it out, playing with it, showing it to everyone around them. We can’t do that. We can’t allow ourselves to replay that offense over and over and over. We’ve got to let it go and choose to move forward – and it is a choice! Sometimes we forgive with our head, and it takes our emotions a little time to catch up. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily easy . . . it’s just necessary.
Finally, pray for the person who hurt you. And this doesn’t mean the “let them be like the snail that dissolves into slime” kind of prayer. Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:44, “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven . . .” So that you may be. This is surely what we want to be, and as children of our Father we want to be like our Father. So pray for those who have wronged you. Ask God to put the same love he has for them in your heart. Honestly lay out your negative emotions before God and ask God to dissolve your feelings (and not the offending person).
Forgiveness isn’t easy, but neither is anything really worth doing. But forgiveness is necessary for our wholeness as children of God. Paul urges the church in Romans 12:21, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” And the supreme example of that is Jesus hanging on the cross, praying “Father, forgive them.”
This journey through Lent has become, at least in my Pastor’s Notes, a journey of forgiveness. But it is a journey you can begin at any time – even today – by praying for the Lord to lead you on this difficult but very necessary road.